I was temporarily out of order.

I used to be pretty good at saying the right thing when someone needed to hear it. I have been the go-to girl for advice, anecdotes, a shoulder to lean on. But, my friends, I saw all of that change last night. I sat, horrified, as I saw my fingers type all of the wrong words, incapable of shutting the fuck up. After I apologized, I ended up slinking off to bed, feeling like a giant asshole. I still feel like a giant asshole this morning over it, and hope that my friend will forgive me for scaring her worse instead of being the rational voice I usually am, or try to be.

I freaked out, though, not because I was in a spiteful mood, or because I just couldn't be arsed to put in the effort to remain positive, but because this year I have seen a lot of people go through a lot of terrible problems, some of those people are even good friends of mine, and my first thought was that I can't handle sitting idly by while another friend gets sucked into the randomly murderous grip of 2009. Not again, can't do it. This person is important to me, you know, and I freaked, and made myself the worst possible person to talk to about the situation. I became one of *those people* that must blurt out worst case scenarios and suspicion about the intelligence of the medical field and the whole 9 yards. I even said "the c word." What an asshole.

I need one of those yellow and black "CAUTION" tapes tied around my mouth [or my fingers, so that I can't type]. "Caution: this person is temporarily out of order, and may be hazardous to your mental health." Or perhaps a name badge, instead: "Hello, My Name Is Temporarily Unhelpful." Maybe just something scrawled across my forehead, like "BEWARE." Something to properly illustrate and forewarn the people in my life that I am having a, hopefully, brief moment of oafishness.

I hope that I am well enough soon to again be able to properly use my mouth at the same time as my brain, but until that time, please accept my apologies.