What's In A Name?

I have been thinking a lot in the past couple of months about this strange dynamic I seem to have in my life between my name and "making a name for myself," in all of the literal senses of that phrase. I have not ever really felt connected to my birth names, and still find myself going by something different with each different or new aspect of my life. It's sort of like some wierd schitzophrenic process, which actually makes me nervous because my maternal grandmother is clinically schitzophrenic. I don't think I'm schitzophrenic, though! Maybe I am a bit too compartmentalized....

I was born as Michelle Courtney. There's nothing inherently wrong with either of those names, but I just don't feel, have never felt, like a Michelle or a Courtney. I went by Michelle from birth until 9th grade. I tried on Courtney in gymnastics, dance, and karate classes. In 9th grade, we moved, and it gave me the opportunity to chop up my middle name and become a Courey. I have stayed with that one ever since, though I now find myself feeling disconnected from that name, too. It feels like I have outgrown it; it is childish and has been spoken by too many. It's my mom's boyfriend's cat's name, and coincidentally, another nickname of mine for the past 10 years is "coureycat." Mom's boyfriend finds it all hysterical [and it is pretty funny]. Since my legal name is Michelle, that is the name I use in an "official capacity," for bills and driver's licenses and clients. Family members have been pretty gracious about the whole thing. I have been "trying on" Em since this past summer. It's just the phoenetic spelling of the letter M, which I'm sure you can figure out on your own. Some assume I'm an Emily or an Emma. A friend of mine says Em stands for E minor [and yes, that's true, too].

For me, Em also stands for a new begining. It's only fitting, for me, that since I am finding out who I want to be, I should also be allowed to make a name for myself - one I identify with, and one that lets others identify me. Michelle is a girl who walked through hell, who never thought it cute to have The Beatles song sung to her, who hated that the first part of her name could sound like "mush" [seriously, "Mush - elle?" There's a name that inspires confidence in yourself], who did not ever appreciate that her first name and her last name rhymed, and who wouldn't ever dream of having the nickname "Shelly." Courtney never really stuck. Courey is someone who's walked further through hell and finally woke up to find that what hadn't killed her made her stronger [and stranger]. Em is the woman who has the strength, wisdom, humor, and courage to learn from the past and keep putting one foot in front of the other; no longer just for survival's sake, but to finally harness and enjoy life. Em can be anyone and anything. Just as each chapter in a book may have a name, each chapter in my life can, as well. Em is also literally what I type when I try to type out the word, "me." Dyslexia can be a funny, useful thing. 

I won't be changing my name legally [what if I grow out of Em in another few years?] - it feels absurd to do so. I don't even remotely expect to be addressed as Em by anyone that has known me for any length of time. It would be just as strange as if my husband decided he wanted to be called by some random name. [Besides, he already has a great name, first and middle. Actually, I might fancy calling him Eric from time to time. *wink*] I do wish I had first stumbled upon Em instead of Courey, though. I mean, it *is* a little pretentious if you know Em only stands for one single letter, but that's also what I enjoy about it; it's silly as hell, while still managing to sound ordinary. It's like a giggly, whispered secret. It makes me happy, even if only for now.

Sometimes what's in a name does matter a great deal.