Mucked Up, With a Capital F.

It's nearly 2 years since the last time I wrote anything in here, and still I have the phrase "my therapist says.." on my mind. It's been a couple of years since I've spoken to one of my very own; these days the phrase I'm most likely to use is "my friend Google says...."

So, my friend Google says that I have abandonment issues.
Sometimes my friend Google is wrong, but usually I've found that, after discussing things enough  and searching out other possible answers, we end up with a pretty accurate view of what the problem is. This time we have agreed upon this abandonment issues thing. It fits. It makes sense. Certainly nothing in my life has been a pillar of stability outside of my own reliance on myself.

Self sabotage, looking for flaws in others or the relationship, bailing out in fear, cynicism, building a wall around your emotions, trouble committing, trying to control every aspect possible, and even clinging to a relationship or person way too quickly; these are all symptoms of being mucked up with a capital f, aka having abandonment issues. Fun, huh? It becomes this circular self fulfilling prophecy -- you want this thing with this other person, but you're also so fucking terrified of losing it that you end up destroying it. Way to go, jerk.

So, my therapist used to say... I have to find a way to "mother" myself. Apparently, and my friend Google backs this up, the key to resolving abandonment issues is to mother yourself. And I am realizing that I either don't know how, or I just don't want the job. I dunno. It's not happened yet. I have taken steps to get my life back on track, and I think maybe that is part of this mothering myself thing. Maybe? But also I guess mothering yourself is a process that's just as long and exhausting as mothering any other child. It never ends.

The thing is, even when you get your own shit together, you realize that you aren't the only person on the planet that has this particular issue. Far from it. And rather than jumping straight into codependency mode ... because you have mothered yourself out of that mess already, too ... you have to walk away rather than try to "fix" the people around you. Even when they're really great. Even when you really care about them. Even if they mean the world to you. Even when it feels impossible. Because your mother side says so. She's a real bitch sometimes.

I guess that's the key to it. Doing what you know is healthiest for your own well being rather than running straight into danger and imagining you'll be perfectly fine. Realizing that you aren't invincible. Realizing that you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

Well, half the battle is knowing, they say.