I have been to college 3 times, and a correspondence school once. I have one diploma from high school; no degrees, no certificates. My therapist says I didn't "quit" - I merely stopped doing things that I didn't want to do in the first place. I have been taking some time to mull that over; she said it three weeks ago, and I'm still wondering if she's just said it so she wouldn't have to say, "congratulations, you're a failure!"
The truth of the matter is that most of the time, I feel like I am a bit lost; as though I am just mediocre at the things that I am passionate about. It's true that I am a perfectionist, and that plays a big part in how I feel about myself and my endevors. I look at any sign of success as a fluke, and praise is just stumbled upon through dumb luck. I told my therapist that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life, and she said, "well, that's just bullshit." Who do I believe? Further, what sign do I need to see in order to be able to accept that I haven't failed at life? I don't need to be the center of attention - I actually cringe from that situation; however, I would like to feel like I have done *something* of note in my life. I think we all do.
This pervading sense of insecurity and mediocrity has, of course, spread into my photography. It strikes me as funny, really. The first time I read through a photography contest's entry rules and I saw the criteria defining the difference between amateur and professional, I actually laughed. "If you have ever made money from your photography, you are not allowed to enter as an amateur." What? So, suddenly I'm a "Professional Photographer"? Huh. I guess somewhere along the way that did happen... I ended up with a business license, forms for tax write offs, phone calls from the IRS wanting to know why I wasn't filing taxes ["uh, I am not making money."], and finally, my very own people that I could label "clients." It is just strange, surreal, the way it kind of just happened, and I cobbled it all together into some sort of descriptor of what I do during the day, some days. I remember sitting in the office filling out the paperwork for my license and staring at the line that said, "Business Name." Ffft. I hadn't even considered I'd need one! They should make mentors for this kind of thing. Actually, they probably do; I just don't have one. I do portrait sessions for people, I get paid, and then I sit here and wonder if I lived up to my title, or if my clients suspect that I am the fraud that I feel most times.
My most recent portrait session, my client called me two weeks ahead of time; she resides in another state 13 hours away. She said she hadn't had portraits done of her kids and her fiance in years and wanted me to do some while she and they were here on holiday. I knew I could do them, but the moment that we hung up the phone, I began to question everything. Do I have the right equipment? No. Do I have the creativity to come up with decent poses? No. Do I have the talent to even do this job the justice it deserves? No. Do I want to run screaming down the hill? Yes. Yes indeed. But I didn't run; in fact I had a fabulous time photographing my clients as they played together as a family, and they even took the hard job of coming up with the poses they wanted. Whew. I edited the photos and smiled at the job well done and then when everything was ready to be seen, I emailed the link to the proofs, and waited. By the time the third day passed with no comment, I was already at the point where I was positive that they hated the job I'd done and were contacting their lawyer to sue the pants off of me. "Fraud," the charges would be, and possibly "Ruining The Family Vacation."
I guess it may be needless to say, but a watched pot never boils. As soon as I gave up waiting around, my client contacted me via email and said in all capitals and with many many extra exclamation points that she loved them. We spoke on the phone and she said if she lived in my area she would be singing my praises from the rooftops. To say I was relieved is a huge understatement. But I wonder why I do that to myself to begin with - I know the photos were good, yet I immediately went to the self doubt schtick until someone else told me what I already knew. It is one more thing I need to work on, but the "how" of it is probably most daunting of all.
I do wonder if I had a piece of paper, you know.. that thing called a degree.. if I would feel more confident in myself. Considering my track record with higher education, I don't think that's going to happen, and I also know that going into debt for that same piece of paper has left many of my collegues sitting in the same boat I am, being unsure of their decision to persue their particular careers. At the end of it all, we do what we must in order to get through the day. Mine happens to be taking pictures right now. I do a good job, but I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that. I need other people to. I guess it's healthier than being overly-sure and sadly mistaken, right?
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